If Only

FB status on V-Day:

"my student, Sunsun, wanted to give me a sticker so he can get a kiss for Valentine's Day but he didn't have any to give other than the big heart with his name on it which he was wearing on his uniform, so he ripped the heart into two and gave me the other half...aws, so sweet --- now, who needs a boyfriend when you have students like him..."

and that was all I needed to end February 14 with a bang. Thank you, Lord God for children who never fail to remind me of Your goodness.

Not My Usual Letter

Ma, I know that I have not been a good daughter most times and I have also let my anger get in the way when I lash out on you with harsh, hurtful words. I am sorry if I have hurt you. I promise to bite my tongue and try harder next time. No, you are not dreaming Ma...it is really happening---I am apologizing. Hahaha.

(Mama's response)

Hi Den. It's okay. I actually understand and love you even if you think I had been remiss in so many ways. Deep in me, I have always wanted only the best in all of you. I love you. I'm a mother first and foremost, over and above my needs and wants. I will never turn my back from any of you no matter what. Just forgive me in my 'kapabayaan' and for whatever I did in the past. Just know I have always wanted all of you to be at peace and happy with whatever your line in life would be. Take care and thank you.

(And then I cried.)

Happy Birthday, Den!

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest - Joshua 1:9

There is

There is no starting over.
There is only that scar on your left cheek,
there to let the band know that a fool approaches
so they can play their music.

There is no room for love.
There is only that word they call survival,
there to remind you that you have two legs
so to keep you upright.

There is no kindness in empty words.
There is only that harsh truth
there to let you lick your wounds while you hide in one corner
candy-coated for your convenience.

There is, however, a million memories that you can recreate
for a moment's peace
recreate that kiss,
that instance when your hands first touched,
that silence shared after a stolen glance.

That is all there is
before you go back to weaving dreams for children you have learned to call your own.

...

Get well soon, Ma!

Oh Well

I'm not a big fan of competitions. Honestly, it was not something that I enjoyed doing (even when I was actually in it). This is the main reason why I hated being placed in a spot where I will be open to being compared with someone else. I know what my strengths are and I know where I am weak at. If I know that I can contribute to the cause then I will gladly lend a hand but if I will turn out to be a liability, I would rather sit in one corner and watch those who are excellent in that aspect shine. Sadly, some people perceive this as an attitude problem. Oh well, we can't please everyone.

Apathy, the answer to such problems.

A Letter

Dear Heart,

Stressful year, right? After that eventful September last year, we both thought that you could no longer handle the blows but you sure proved me wrong. I watched in amazement as you braced yourself to be displayed on my sleeve again, bruised but ready to give whatever what was left. We loved again without caution, thinking that fate was on our side this time but sadly, we were wrong again for the nth time. I was the sad spectator of how he ripped you apart and I just let him because we both thought he was the one. I am sorry. I should have kept you safe and gave you time to heal instead of jumping on that bandwagon again. I made a mistake, Heart and I do not know how to fix you this time. You seemed different now. You harbour ill feelings and you nurture the hate growing inside you. They hover above us like dark clouds. Your wounds are not healing, you're not allowing them to heal; hence we remember what happened - the airport scene, Chinatown, the secrets, the other women, the endless packing, and the waiting. You are bitter, angry and resigned to disenchantment. I did this to you. I should have taken better care of you and kept you away from the clutches of that mad man.

Don't worry, Heart. He can't hurt you anymore because I won't let him. Sleep for now, rest and find comfort in knowing that I kept you where no one else can find you. When the right time comes and God wills it, you'll be yourself again - shiny, happy and alive.

Wake up when you're ready.

After Rehearsals

my unbound hands traced the price
and it was more than what I had prayed for
I sat here brooding for hours
over stitches that were never clean enough
and wounds that unknowingly open
just for the heck of opening
I watched the shadow hover above my head last night
as my body spiraled around the studio
while my feet tried to reclaim its former glory

the price
for wrong decisions that were corrected
for impatient strides that were retraced
and for love, love that has turned sour overnight.

Blank

Okay...I don't really have an excuse as to why I have been neglecting my blog. It's not the flood, nor my schedule because I am not entirely sure what the reason is. All I know is all I see is one, shiny blank sheet staring back at me.

If

If I were to reclaim the red skies I greedily owned and wage my wars again like the witch who danced into any man's heart, I will wash everything with white and repaint a different picture. Maybe a calm moon and few hundred stars here and there for a change, and the skies will be soaked in violet and vanilla, then maybe (just maybe), the storms will not be so harsh but would be like a lover's caress and the chilly air will smell like a thousand memories rolled into one.

If I were a gypsy again, I will find a man with no face, no name, nor family and friends to claim him. I will take his will in a single stride and leave him with a memory of a beautiful dream; one that he can always go back to at the comfort of his own mind. I will bear children with names like Luna, River, Redienne, Violet and Autumn.

If.

But I am, otherwise.

...

A friend asked, why I deactivated my FB account----------just BECAUSE.

Unhooking Demented Thoughts

The sound of death
wrenched my heart from where it slept,
breathed for momentary oblivion
but the consciousness has been breached,
fallen into that familiar nostalgia,
down into where the buried rested
and now bound to haunt...
Self, learn to forgive...

-Sleepless @ 4F7, from Manang Gladys Susan

Leave Some Things Free Of That Poison

and what of wanting a little piece of life, of finding love, of marrying your prince and having children, of weaving a conventional life where God is the center, of building a home where all good things will hopefully begin...what about them? sadly, as she has said before, we can't build little picket fences to keep the nightmares away.

Frog Prince Anyone?

I decided to re-post this!!! Old treasure...wonderful find indeed...


Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and setup housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fucking think so

Bonsai Again

Yesterday I heard the pastor call out, heard him encourage people to stand and come closer to the cross with their heads down. And my forehead burrowed into a frown because I couldn't move my legs. I stayed where I was, looking at the floor. Ashamed but still proud because I couldn't let go of my anger. I wanted to scream why. I wanted the thoughts to stop. I wanted to shove the hatred away. But I also knew, I wanted to keep them. I wanted to plant them in my heart and nurture them while those wheels kept turning.

It wasn't just about him anymore. It was about all those years, years where the joys could not compensate the blows I had to withstand. People do not understand because they do not know what I went through. What do they know? I do not need to explain to them why I am doing what I am doing. Even if I explain my reasons, they will not believe me anyway... so why bother?

But You, You know everything. You know what I went through and although You made sure that I had something to fall back on, You still allowed it to happen. Just as You allowed that Bobby to trace ungodly marks on my 12 year old body, just as you let me work while my friends lived a sheltered life, just as You paved the way for me to feel my relatives' wrath for my mother, just as You allowed my mother to gamble her way to whichever end you prepared for her while her children suffered, just as You watched me break despite my attempts to do everything plausible to make everything right, just as You marveled on a child's capacity to survive watching her father's heart break so many times and transfer his frustration on her mother's face.

I never understood the great plan. I never understood who got to live this kind of life or that kind of life. This is not about losing a lover. This is about losing your dreams, losing your love for life, losing people you care about, losing whatever pride you have left.

I am back to who I was when I was 14 - angry, angst-driven, disappointed. I am too old to be 14 now but I am too hateful to care. Maybe they are right, maybe I am a hypocrite, maybe the person they knew in the past few years was someone who I have been trying to be but just couldn't be, maybe I should stop going to church, maybe I should just stop whatever I am doing and just go where ever my feet will take me, maybe the great plan was to ruin people's lives.

Before All Else

My friend, Ate Lan, found this while cleaning her email account. The truth is, I have totally forgotten about this poem and it was such a wonderful surprise to come across old works which were discarded. If I can remember correctly, I think I wrote this when I was in Bahrain and was maintaining a different blog (a blog which I may have deleted or may have just forgotten what the log-in details were...tsk tsk tsk, how typical). Anyway, enjoy the poem. Cheers to 2005!


shoot that moon before it gets away
grab those stars
before the sun makes them sway
grab his hand
before it's too late
run hard towards Neverland
before it closes its gate

swim the ocean, sweet girl
who cares if you paddle like a puppy
swim the ocean
but always come back home

dance like Martha or Agnes
before your bones turn brittle
paint a new kind of Mona Lisa
before every face is branded little
tell your mama you love her so
before fate strips you of chances
give your papa a warm, big hug
before cold mists advances

swim the ocean, sweet girl
who cares if you can't float without tiring
swim the ocean
but always come back home

cheer for that sister who longs to win
before she flushes herself in the toilet
hold your brother's hand when it gets rough
before he ends his life with a bullet
play pretend with your lil nephew
before he gets too old
grieve for old friends lost
before hate gets too bold

swim the ocean, sweet girl
who cares if your glides are so unlike a swan
swim the ocean
but always come back home

laugh with your greatest pals
before laughter turns into a cliche
wonder childishly about all things
before age sweeps out your naivete
blow each candle on your birthday cake
before time blows one candle out
love dearly, madly as if tomorrow is the end
before cupid retreats and turns about

swim the ocean, sweet girl
who cares if you'll swim alone
swim the ocean but always come back home

As Borrowed: A Spark Neglected Burns The House

And I forgive you just as He has forgiven me...and I will let go of everything ill buried in my heart because there are bigger things to worry about, much bigger than you, me or you and me combined...


'Then came Peter, and said to him, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? until seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would make a reckoning with his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not wherewith to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And the lord of that servant, being moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. But that servant went out, and found one of his fellow-servants, which owed him a hundred pence: and he laid hold on him, and took him by the throat saying, Pay what thou owest. So his fellow-servant fell down and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay that which was due. So when his fellow-servants saw what was done, they were exceeding sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord called him unto him, and saith to him, Thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou besoughtest me: shouldest not thou also have had mercy on thy fellow-servant, even as I had mercy on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due. So shall also my heavenly Father do unto you, if ye forgive not every one his brother from your hearts.' -- Matt. xviii. 21-35.

Maroon 5-ed!!!

I have had just enough of these online purchases. Why isn't the system allowing me to proceed with purchasing that darned ticket online?!? This is really testing my patience.

Don't worry, Adam Levine, I'll see you soon.

Prayer Part 2

Just a few days ago, I prayed for a civil separation. For two people, who I thought dearly cared for each other, to part ways without anger nor pain. To part like how friends say goodbye to each other...the prayer was not granted on the first blow but it was granted tonight and I am at peace.

(Thank you, Lord. As promised, Your will be done.)

As for you, you know who you are. Goodbye, goodbye. I wish you well.

Heart Attack

Oh no! I just accidentally clicked on the 'empty' tab of my yahoo mail account. Does anyone know how to retrieve the emails? I am about to have a heart attack because all my work and school files were there, not to mention some personal emails which I would have loved keeping. This is what I get for multi-tasking and when I say multi-tasking, I was texting, chatting with a friend and reading my mails all at one time. I am officially blaming you Jefferson for this!