If Only

FB status on V-Day:

"my student, Sunsun, wanted to give me a sticker so he can get a kiss for Valentine's Day but he didn't have any to give other than the big heart with his name on it which he was wearing on his uniform, so he ripped the heart into two and gave me the other half...aws, so sweet --- now, who needs a boyfriend when you have students like him..."

and that was all I needed to end February 14 with a bang. Thank you, Lord God for children who never fail to remind me of Your goodness.

I Love My Family

I didn't have the fairytale childhood but I say I had the best. I didn't have the perfect family but we love each other no matter what other people assume. I love the strength of my father's silence and work ethics. I adore my mother's amazing ability to always get back on her feet and her unique mothering skills. I am proud of my brother's choices and his fearless declaration of his faith. I am blessed to have a sister who never plants hatred in her heart and who took every blow with a smile. I am Cynthia and Danny's daughter, Fort and Danna's baby sister; and I tell you now, I wouldn't change anything.

Letting Go

When fighting has become a cliche and there is no means to save what you have tried saving. Give it up and hand it over to God. When you have held His hand, you'll realize that there's no other hand you want to hold again.

Remember, you are stronger with Him by your side.

Do Not Falter

Do not be disheartened when people doubt your commitment because even Christ Jesus suffered the same..."And they were offended in him. But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house. And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief - Matthew 13:57-58"

I Declare

I love you, Lord God.

Not My Usual Letter

Ma, I know that I have not been a good daughter most times and I have also let my anger get in the way when I lash out on you with harsh, hurtful words. I am sorry if I have hurt you. I promise to bite my tongue and try harder next time. No, you are not dreaming Ma...it is really happening---I am apologizing. Hahaha.

(Mama's response)

Hi Den. It's okay. I actually understand and love you even if you think I had been remiss in so many ways. Deep in me, I have always wanted only the best in all of you. I love you. I'm a mother first and foremost, over and above my needs and wants. I will never turn my back from any of you no matter what. Just forgive me in my 'kapabayaan' and for whatever I did in the past. Just know I have always wanted all of you to be at peace and happy with whatever your line in life would be. Take care and thank you.

(And then I cried.)

Happy Birthday, Den!

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest - Joshua 1:9

An Evening Prayer

If I have wounded any soul today,
If I have caused one foot to go astray,
If I have walked in my own willful way,
Dear Lord, forgive!

If I have uttered idle words or vain,
If I have turned aside from want or pain,
Lest I myself shall suffer through the strain,
Dear Lord, forgive!

If I have been perverse or hard, or cold,
If I have longed for shelter in Thy fold,
When Thou hast given me some fort to hold,
Dear Lord, forgive!

Forgive the sins I have confessed to Thee;
Forgive the secret sins I do not see;
O guide me, watch over me and my keeper be,
Dear Lord, Amen.

There is

There is no starting over.
There is only that scar on your left cheek,
there to let the band know that a fool approaches
so they can play their music.

There is no room for love.
There is only that word they call survival,
there to remind you that you have two legs
so to keep you upright.

There is no kindness in empty words.
There is only that harsh truth
there to let you lick your wounds while you hide in one corner
candy-coated for your convenience.

There is, however, a million memories that you can recreate
for a moment's peace
recreate that kiss,
that instance when your hands first touched,
that silence shared after a stolen glance.

That is all there is
before you go back to weaving dreams for children you have learned to call your own.

...

Get well soon, Ma!

Oh Well

I'm not a big fan of competitions. Honestly, it was not something that I enjoyed doing (even when I was actually in it). This is the main reason why I hated being placed in a spot where I will be open to being compared with someone else. I know what my strengths are and I know where I am weak at. If I know that I can contribute to the cause then I will gladly lend a hand but if I will turn out to be a liability, I would rather sit in one corner and watch those who are excellent in that aspect shine. Sadly, some people perceive this as an attitude problem. Oh well, we can't please everyone.

Apathy, the answer to such problems.

Malacca, Malaysia

A Letter

Dear Heart,

Stressful year, right? After that eventful September last year, we both thought that you could no longer handle the blows but you sure proved me wrong. I watched in amazement as you braced yourself to be displayed on my sleeve again, bruised but ready to give whatever what was left. We loved again without caution, thinking that fate was on our side this time but sadly, we were wrong again for the nth time. I was the sad spectator of how he ripped you apart and I just let him because we both thought he was the one. I am sorry. I should have kept you safe and gave you time to heal instead of jumping on that bandwagon again. I made a mistake, Heart and I do not know how to fix you this time. You seemed different now. You harbour ill feelings and you nurture the hate growing inside you. They hover above us like dark clouds. Your wounds are not healing, you're not allowing them to heal; hence we remember what happened - the airport scene, Chinatown, the secrets, the other women, the endless packing, and the waiting. You are bitter, angry and resigned to disenchantment. I did this to you. I should have taken better care of you and kept you away from the clutches of that mad man.

Don't worry, Heart. He can't hurt you anymore because I won't let him. Sleep for now, rest and find comfort in knowing that I kept you where no one else can find you. When the right time comes and God wills it, you'll be yourself again - shiny, happy and alive.

Wake up when you're ready.

After Rehearsals

my unbound hands traced the price
and it was more than what I had prayed for
I sat here brooding for hours
over stitches that were never clean enough
and wounds that unknowingly open
just for the heck of opening
I watched the shadow hover above my head last night
as my body spiraled around the studio
while my feet tried to reclaim its former glory

the price
for wrong decisions that were corrected
for impatient strides that were retraced
and for love, love that has turned sour overnight.

Blank

Okay...I don't really have an excuse as to why I have been neglecting my blog. It's not the flood, nor my schedule because I am not entirely sure what the reason is. All I know is all I see is one, shiny blank sheet staring back at me.

Singapore, Singapore

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Bangsaen, Thailand

Pattaya City Plus Bangsaen (Part 1)

Note: I should have posted this three weekends ago.

Because I was so determined to prove to my friends that I can reclaim the former glory of being a true, unattached single adventurer, I decided to go on a spur-of-the-moment trip to visit two places which I have been eyeing to discover for some time now.

So one, boring Saturday night (after I ran out of things to do in my apartment), I put on my fave travel clothes (specifically, a hooded t-shirt and a pair of shorts), slipped into my havies, packed Iko, some much needed toiletries plus snacks, and stashed my passport in my back pocket. After making a quick call to a friend, I was off to Pattaya City on my own.

My first dilemma was getting to Victory Monument. Although I have passed through this route countless times, I was still unsure. I checked google maps so to know which bus to take and since this supposedly fail-free site failed me several times in the past, I decided to call a friend as well to inquire about the bus number. After 20 minutes on Bus 39, I finally arrived in Victory Monument.



The second dilemma was finding the cheapest transportation service in the area. The last time I went to Pattaya City, we rode on a van and paid 130 baht but when we went back to Bangkok from there, we only paid 90 baht. We discovered too late that there were several transportation services strategically stationed around Victory Monument. When I got there, I couldn't find the van with the 90 baht fare but I was able to get on a van which asked for 100 baht. Once I was comfortably seated on the second row, I logged into facebook (my account then was still not deactivated) and anxiously waited for three hours to get there.

Travel time from Bangkok to Pattaya City is approximately 2-3 hours and it will help if you have a book or an ipod to keep you preoccupied. If you think that technology is too much of a nuisance, then you can enjoy the astonishing change from Bangkok's sky scrapers to the countryside's crop paddies. The safest stop in Pattaya City is Walking Street. Safe in a sense that you are right in the center of everything --- you have easy access to hotels, restaurants, bars, travel agencies, and the beach.



When the driver dropped me off in Walking Street, I went to the nearest travel agency to inquire about Mini Siam's location. Thailand's addresses are a bit tricky. The spelling you will see online may not be the same spelling you will see in the actual place, and the language barrier will only make matters worst. You can try as hard as you could to speak pasa-Thai but in the end, you'll only get a "mai kao jai." Being just a few months old here, I am still groping with getting the right accent. People here always say that I speak funny.

The manager of the travel agency told me to get on a song teaw (a converted pick-up truck used for public transportation which can accommodate about sixteen people in the back and two in front) and get off in Sukhumvit Road then get on another song teaw going to Mini Siam. Song teaw fares are usually 10 baht per person. The driver (after seeing my camera and map) tried to scam me by offering to take me to Mini Siam if I paid 170 baht. I opted not to take the offer and waited for other passengers which I am thankful for because Sukhumvit Road from Walking Street was just a 15-minute ride.

I met a motorcycle driver while I was searching for my first stop - Mini Siam. After asking seven other motorcycle drivers, we finally bumped into someone who knew where Mini Siam was. People here are more accustomed to the Thai names so it will be best if you knew both Thai and English names of the places that you plan to visit. This same driver (oooppppsss, too lazy to continue this now...)

If

If I were to reclaim the red skies I greedily owned and wage my wars again like the witch who danced into any man's heart, I will wash everything with white and repaint a different picture. Maybe a calm moon and few hundred stars here and there for a change, and the skies will be soaked in violet and vanilla, then maybe (just maybe), the storms will not be so harsh but would be like a lover's caress and the chilly air will smell like a thousand memories rolled into one.

If I were a gypsy again, I will find a man with no face, no name, nor family and friends to claim him. I will take his will in a single stride and leave him with a memory of a beautiful dream; one that he can always go back to at the comfort of his own mind. I will bear children with names like Luna, River, Redienne, Violet and Autumn.

If.

But I am, otherwise.