Goodbye 2010

"All The Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' In The Sun,
Talkin' 'Bout The Things
They Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda Done...
But All Those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All Ran Away And Hid
From One Little Did"

I have no questions. I have no what-if's. Nothing was left undone. I did what I needed to do and said what I needed to say. I did not always get what I expected but knowing that I have exhausted all means helped me sleep better at night. And so thank you 2010, I had a blast.

Bring it on 2011! I am anxious to meet you.

A Promise To Myself

Because I have only been recently nice to myself, I decided to create ten promises and the goal is to fulfill these promises before the end of 2015; ideally two promises every year. Okay, in short, it's my five-year goal. So sue me for being dramatic.

And here they are,

1. I promise to discover France and experience the quaint cafes, the scenic countryside and swoon as some random French guy hits on me by just letting his language roll out of his tongue and into my ears, uttering nonsense I would assume.

2. I promise to constantly take on a break and get away from the buzz of corporate life. No schedule to follow, no classes, and just let curiosity take over me in a place known for its different kind of freedom - Russia.

3. I promise to visit the outbacks of Australia and witness the sunset's calming hues and see for myself if the gold coast's seas were truly aquamarine as how the Aussies claimed.

4. I promise to set foot in Mexico and ride it's hardly luxurious, old tram which will not allow me a wink but every peek will give me a new sight to marvel in. And of course, let us not disregard the oh-so-explosive nightlife in Cancun.

5. I promise to ready myself to face the hustle and bustle that comes with the Indian Railways after a most enlightening visit to the historic Taj Mahal. Sweat and all, I will squeeze myself amidst the murmur of people inside the packed train.

6. I promise to bring home a piece of China by learning Mandarin and to continuously make an attempt to converse with locals, even if the extent of the challenge becomes similar to using another sort of World English.

7. I promise to find solace of the snow-covered mountain tops of the Swiss Alps after the quiet trails cradled the train that will have brought me from Geneva to Berne and all the way to Zurich.

8. I promise to get lost in the so-called survival path of Vietnam; a survival path that is not made up of just one single route but rather a complex maze running from the north to the south, all through out Vietnam and its neighboring countries.

9. I promise to find peace in Tibet and practice the art of being still.

10. I promise to fall madly in love again in Tuscany, Italy and welcome romance with open arms with the knowledge that it can both be a blessing and a curse.

I hope to fulfill these promises before my due date. Am I being too ambitious? Maybe but then, maybe not.

Navi and I

I decided to take a break from packing. Yes. Again, I am packing. Off to jump aboard another plane to be whisked away into a myriad of possibilities, to a place where I will be a thousand miles (or more) away from home and where I can conveniently be acknowledged as a local.

I know that everything will start off as a challenge. Like fitting everything you will need in your luggage without exceeding 20 kilos. Airlines used to be more generous years ago. Like tucking in the luggage and riding the rhythm as the plane lunges forward and takes off. And like that constant fear of eardrums being popped due to cabin pressure. Thankfully, if I will be lucky, the window will become my friend. It will remind me of my purpose - of why I am off to a new adventure after four wasted years. If the window will fail me at some point during the flight, oh well, there's the portable telie right in front of me which will probably allow me to choose from 3-5 'not-so-bad' shows. Sleeping will not be an option.

I anticipate that, that old nostalgic unfamiliarity will greet me like an old friend whom I have somehow forgotten.

Aaarggghhh...I have to go back to packing now. I have to get this done ASAP.

Some Recent Discoveries

Today, I discovered that Davao is smoke-free and only the outsiders (eherem those who do not reside in Davao, who did not grow up in Davao, who were not born in Davao, and all other creatures who have a semblance of what were mentioned) do not like the city's 'non-smoking' notion. I also discovered that the curfew for minors is strictly regulated. God knows how much discipline kids these days need. And the best part, I discovered that (unlike several years ago) there are now a thousand things to do to keep you busy. I will tell you more about them on my next entry. I am too tired and the sandman is calling me.

Phone Call at 4AM

For the first time, you were late. But you called anyway. My head was spinning, my breath stenched of Patron, and I can barely remember what I as saying. Did I make sense? I remember a topic about rings, about Baguio, about jobs, and most especially, about possible love.

Give me China, give me a few more weeks or months (I appeal to your generosity), give me this time to find myself again and in return, I will give you the answer you asked for. I will be ready by then. I promise.

Lazy Daisy

Move your ass, bi@tch. Now!

Ever since I arrived from a much-delayed flight yesterday, I have not done anything but sleep and pet my home-sick dog. The locks are still attached to my bags, my clothes are still unpacked and I have a long list of things to accomplish before the 20th strikes. What the heck am I waiting for?

Beach, Boat and Ballerina

Dear Papang

...

I sit here, carelessly letting my fingers dance on the keyboard and I wonder how I will face you. I fear to see the disappointment which I have waged war with for 29 years. I like to imagine that I can confidently walk through the door with my head held high. Maybe I can but we both know it will all be pretense. We both know I lost. I was not strong enough to stand up for what I built in this newly-labeled hellhole and have, similar to the hundred other previous instances, ran away like the coward that I am. I wish I can say that although he left me for another woman, I do not really give a rat's ass about it. I wish I can say that I can still continue climbing the corporate ladder. I wish I can say that I will not be selling the house that I have grown to love after all. I wish I can say all these. The truth is, I cannot. I cannot because, despite my claim to being the most undaunted in the family, I fell into pieces when he left me. I cannot because it hurts too much to stay in the same place where I will possibly witness his new-found happiness. I cannot because I may be too illogical to be trusted with my own judgement.

In time, you will have your rebel-daughter back. For now, let me weep for lost things. Allow me to feed on my anger and momentarily wallow in self-pity; not because I am required to but because I am entitled to it just like everyone else is. Cradle me and let me lean on your beer-filled belly, God knows how much comfort I need. Just let me mourn for that fading belief called 'forever.' Let's talk about happy topics like China, Scotland and putting up my own business someday. Let me hear you say "I have your back" and how you will always be there for me. I will tire of this drama one day but while that day is not yet here, I beg you to understand because I need this.

See you soon.

Nag Nag Nag

What happened to you? You were never like this. I could hardly remember you doing something as shitty as what you just did or as lousy as what you have been doing for the past two months. Snap out of it. You know it's not worth it.